Yearly update

 I haven't posted since 2022. Since our oldest left her kids on my doorstep. A LOT has changed. I wrote a couple of posts, but I couldn't publish them. So here I am 1.5 years later.  It is the end of 2023, and I  am reflecting on the past year. It has been another year of many changes, many ups and downs.  I mean that is life, right?  The two posts I did not publish were about a shift in my thoughts and actions. I felt I needed to set boundaries and put myself first.  I can see where those changes have occurred, and I see the peace I have because of those boundaries.  Boundaries are hard and confusing to me, never having clear boundaries growing up, I always feel guilt because they seem mean to me. But, I have learned they are necessary in relationships. This past year has been full of so many blessings and so many answers to prayer. 

The twins are still not with their mom but are in a great family with lots of people loving on them.  We are still blessed to have them in our lives and try and see them whenever we can.  My oldest biological graduated high school and has just finished his first semester of college. It was a joy to walk through the changes with him.  He is our first to go away to a four year college, and really the first to graduate high school and not feel the need to flee our home. It was quite refreshing, LOL!  It was emotional moving him in and driving away, but after the first week, he settled in and it has been smooth!  We still have 5 in the home, so life is still crazy busy, but wouldn't trade it. Our second bio son had knee surgery this month and had a "donor" cartilage put in.  He is doing great, started PT, non-weight bearing for 6 weeks, then hopefully will get everything strengthened and be back out on the field.  He is a junior and we have started looking at colleges for him!  

Our 4 girls are 15,14,14 and 8.  They are all well, the 15 yo is working at MCD's and is cosmetology at VOTECH.  She is not doing well in school, and she almost got fired, however, with her past and trauma, I would say she is doing okay!!   Our "twins"  Em is in voice and piano and has been committed to those for the past couple of years, and it is really paying off!  She is in NJHS and is always getting straight A's!   F, well she is my first bio daughter, she is the sassiest kid, lol.  She enjoys being active and wants to do track and field again this year.  She just needs to get a competitive edge...  Bella Bear our last bio, she is spoiled, the youngest of a dozen what can you expect??? She has been in gymnastics off and on for 2 years, but she doesn't really like it, she is not one to exert energy...although she loves swimming!   I am signing her up for American Heritage Girls, we will see how she likes that! LOL. 

Steve and I?  We are enjoying life with no littles, having all the kids be older and independent is refreshing to our souls!  Coming out of 18 years dealing with kids with trauma can take it's toll.  We are mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  We are learning how to heal ourselves and recharge!  

I am humbled when I think of the past year, all the changes that have happened, and how everything worked out for good. The changes have all been positive, and stressful, but all good!  Being deep in prayer through many hard times, God has continually shown up and walked each step with us. He continues to show us grace and mercy. His love is all-encompassing, full of compassion, and full of a  peace that can only be found in Him!  I pray for all eyes that read this, that you may feel God's love and peace, I pray you will know the truth that is found in Him, let Spirit enter into every organ, every cell, every fiber of your being. Leaning on Him and trusting Him will change you in ways you never could imagine. Father God, I praise your holy name, the name that will heal the name that will save.  May all the glory of this fallen world be yours!  

Independence Day

It is July 3rd, tomorrow is America's  birthday, the day we officially became a nation! The Declaration of Independence declared us free from Great Britain. I am forever indebted and grateful for the people, throughout history who fought for our freedom. July 4,1776 is America's birthday, and while we were declared free and no longer under Britain's rule, so many Americans were not truly free yet. Freedom in America, is and has been a long journey for many. While we have more freedoms than anywhere else, some are still not experiencing freedom. It's  easy for me to celebrate, I have never been a slave, I have never been forced from my land, I have never been forced to do acts on other people. I have been free to live my life the way I wanted, my choices were easy to make. I see and hear the way things have been different for others. 

Finding true freedom in a world overcome with human sin will continue to be a journey that we must walk. Let us love like Jesus, and hear the cries of others. Let us not turn our backs on those still fighting for Freedom. We should be fighting for our brothers and sisters and standing up for them. And while July 4th might not be  "Freedom Day" for ALL people, let us come together and celebrate America's freedom  from Britain, because without that first Independence day, we wouldn't  have many of the freedoms that are ours today. We would not have the right to stand up for what we believe in, we would not be able to speak freely, to live freely and make the choices we make. Let's keep fighting for the freedom of ALL people and stand on God's truths.

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:13-14

Life's Storms

I don't  typically put my personal life out there, but I am tired of pretending like everything is just peachy. Two weeks ago our "eldest" broke up with her boyfriend. She then took her 3 kids and his 10yo to another county and refused to give him his son back. She refused to come back into the county because she felt unsafe. Meanwhile, he was calling me threatening my family, saying he was going to spill blood. I finally told her if she didn't return his son, I was calling the cops on her for kidnapping. She proceeds to bring her three and his to my house completely enubruated. She had no shoes, I gave her a pair of my daughters. Her son had no clothes, the twins were dressed, his son had clothes and but noone had jackets. She said I am disappearing please take care of my kids. She gave me her tax refund card, with $11000 on it. Said take what I owe you, pay mck $1500 and use the rest for my kids. Well as it turns out  the ex doesn't have a car (did I mention he has multiple felonies was just in jail for almost 6 years?)so all 4 kiddos spent the night with me. I took his son and her son (2yo) shopping for clothes and blankets etc spent $800 on them. I had gone to her house and got what clothes I could find (which I had bought 90%of) but they were all so filthy and gross I had to throw most of them away. The bed, mattresses blankets and sheets that I had just purchased in October (because the one they had was so saturated with urine)were gone. Mattresses on the floor with no sheets or blankets, rips in the one mattress. All the toys they had were thrown away by this man. And the mom just let it happen. Anyways, I returned his son to his ex girlfriend, although she said he proposed to her?  I contacted her sons bio dad to pick him up. I am left with the twins. She was intoxicated for about 6 days straight, said she was going to detox/rehab, but it never happened. She cancelled her tax refund card,, they are now back together. We went to court and got emergency  custody. Shes mad bc noone told her. Well they tried to serve her  for 5 days but she left her low income housing once she got her $$ and they just are living the life for now. She's couldnt meet the constable bc she got a flat tire. She hasn't tried to contact any of her kids. They are lieing and hiding. She has an eviction  notice, lost her job and is in the process of losing her kids.How is that not enough to do fight for your kids. As soon as the money is gone, what will they do? I have had 13 kids come through my house that we have helped raise and I just don't think I can raise another two. Even if they are the cutest kids ever. Addiction and trauma are so hard to overcome, we have tried for almost 17 years to help her. She was willing to stay in another county while this man threatened my family and now that she's back with him she thinks her kids will be fine there? Did I mention she bought a gun for him? Bc of his felonies he is not allowed to be around a gun. The girls have asked me if he is going to kill them, bc he said he would kill them and mommy. They ask if mommies alive. They say he threw all their toys out, and their blankets. He says he gave them everything they wanted. I can help for so long, this was the last straw for me. No more effort on my part She needs to step up, fight for them and walk away from him. Somehow I dont think thats what will happen. The week after this happened, another of our kids is in the hospital a second time fighting for her life due to complications of heroin abuse

I am only human. I am tired. My heart hurts.If you read all of this please pray for them.For my girls, the kids, the ex all of them.  They need Jesus oh, the love of my Jesus, The healing grace love and peace that can only be found in Him. Spirit fill them. 

It is a crazy time in the world right now.  We have this Coronavirus that is attacking everything we know, our families, our schools, our stores, our jobs, it makes you question so many things.  What does this mean to our economy?  What does it mean for our kids? This virus is going to have a ripple effect that we cannot even fathom. As an introvert, being home "quarantined" and having all activities cancelled is refreshing to me, I love the down time, I love the extra time with my kids, I love the slowness of life right now. As, I am sitting around doing puzzles, catching up on house work, and really focusing on being still, I am reminded that God calls us to rest.  God created the world in 6 days and on the 7th day, He rested.  Why?  Do you think He was tired and exhausted from making all this? I mean why would He need rest and down time? The bible also tell us to "Be Still" and know that I am God. During this time where I am almost being forced to rest and just be, I can see the importance of  all of this.

God didn't rest because he was tired, He rested because He was done creating. He gave us the the 4th commandment, Remember the Sabbath ( day of rest) and keep it holy, so we would rest. The point of the Sabbath is to set a day apart where we are to honor God, focus on Him and adjust our thinking from the world to Him.  It is a day where we no longer have to work and try and do everything on our own, but to rest IN HIM and glorify His name. When we rest in Him we realize, it is not about ANYTHING we have done, but all that He has done for us. In Psalms 46:10 Be Still, does not mean to stop moving and sit around doing nothing. It means to stop striving, stop working hard, stop fighting. TRUST in HIM,lay it all down, let it all go, and know HE is in charge, HE has it all in His hands. Just chill!!

I just want to encourage you as we are in this period of rest together, stop and focus on what is important, try not to feed into the frenzy and the hysteria that is in the world and Be Still and trust Him. Take this time to focus on family, kids, friends, and get into the Word and draw close to the one who created you and everything you love. He is good and His mercies never fail. He is a promise maker and a promise keeper, stand on His promises, oh how He loves us!!

Week 1

Three is my favorite number so I might as well update on day 3.  I joined a weight loss group, weigh in was Sunday, so I started weight loss Monday.  I am super excited because I have not mentally had to fight food urges, I haven't felt like this is an impossible journey.  The group goes until April 25th, however I am going to continue through May, and then try and maintain my loss. I have been walking at least 20 mins a day, and I hope to do that at least 5-6 days a week, I will increase the time, and then increase the speed. At some point right before kids, I was running 3 miles, I would love to get back to that.

Another goal is to listen to three podcasts in a week, I really do better with visual learning, so I compromised today and listened to  sermon on you tube. Except it wasnt' a live stream, it was still Audio. The content was fantastic though.  It was on listening to the Holy Spirit.  Lots of people say they can't hear God speak to them.  Bill Johnson laid it all out quite simply for me.  I am going to sum it up.  When you are born again, you have a natural ability to hear God. You don't hear God when you are striving, like putting on worship or reading scripture, you hear God when you are at a place of rest. God will speak to you when driving a car, shopping etc...He is not some alarming voice that comes from the outside, He is a familiar voice that comes internally. The holy spirit is designed to talk to our spirit. Our fleshly side cannot hear Him, only our spiritual side can.  He will speak things that are way better than we could ever come up with.  His voice pierces your heart. You will feel His presence, His peace. The Holy Spirit has come to comfort, guide, teach, empower, and intercede for us. He also has come to reveal things given to us from the Father, He is there to help us find them. When you get into  the word, worship and prayer, your ability to hear the Spirit is awakened.  So if you long to talk to the Father, read His word, sing His praises, get on your knees. He hears you!  He will speak to you, just stop striving as if you can make Him speak to you, it is when we are in His rest and our minds are at peace when we will hear Him.

IT"S 2020!!

I am excited for this new year.  I have never been one for resolutions, but last year I started with a word for the year, "reflections", this year God has given me the word restoration. I am super excited because we are coming out of almost a decade of a season in our lives where we poured all we had into those God placed in our path.  I wouldn't trade that journey for anything. It was a time of growth, healing, loving, crying, and pure exhaustion. The relationships we made and the kids we watched bloom were so rewarding, and I am humbled to have been given the opportunity to get to know and guide such sweet beautiful souls. BUT OH THE EXCITEMENT OF RESTORATION!!!!

I have for many years felt like I have forgotten who I am, and I mean who I am from the bottom of my being. What do I love? What are my passions? What do I hate? What exhausts me? What energizes me?  What do I long for? Dream about?  If I had to describe me, who is that?  Does anyone actually see ME?  When I am sad, what helps?  If I am feeling giddy, how do I express that?  What is my "style"? LOL my kids would tell you I have no style, I have turned into a frumpy 40 yo who takes no time for herself.  I can tell you that is going to change!!!  I am coming out of a season of sacrificial serving and I am finding ME again.  God has promised to restore us and I am standing on His promises and declaring that this is a year where I AM RESTORED. I am taking my health back, both physical and mentally. My relationships with my husband, kids, friends, are going to be so much more. Our office is going to be restored to what HE has designed it. He is going to show up in BIG ways and His goodness will shine!  If you've taken the time to read this, I pray God's blessings and favor over your life and that you will be restored in the areas where you are crying out to Him. Love to you all!

Love letter

The following are "words from Father God/Jesu/Holy Spirit" I received during my Sozo session, I made it into a letter. So very humbling to see the words to me from my King. My Father. My friend.


As a dove flies through the sky, I see you, my sweet sweet child, how  I love your strength and spirit. I will forever call you, my Ohra Rose.  My son, Jesus, hands you a key to unlock your spirit. He will crush the lie you have been told that Spirit is unavailable. Spirit is fire, a pilot light in your heart.  You will have true freedom when you let the Spirit burn rampant in your soul. As you walk out the door, let your new freedom glow fiercely into the world. As you take a key from Jesus,  you will see your self worth through His eyes. Oh, how you will shine!  Spirit calls to you, "Daughter, I love your sense of humor! You are older, mature, and a delegator, I am proud of who you have become!" Spirit embraces you in a hug, and slips a gift into your pocket.   Jesus, my one and only son, holds your beautiful, glowing face in His hands, with gentleness and adoration.  He treasures the tenderness of your heart and He calls you his precious friend. Grab his hand and run together like children free of all things!  Run through His garden, filled with beautiful, unique, purple flowers. As you sit in the field of flowers, He picks for you, the perfect flowers, especially made for you. As you gaze on the beauty of  the Garden, Jesus brings a tree stump and places it right in the middle of His garden. He wants you to have a place to sit awhile when you visit. Please come and visit us!  Ohra Rose, our daughter, and friend, we love spending time with you!  We love seeing you grow, as the flowers grow, and as each one has been planted and pruned and attended to with such gentle love, that is how we love you. We see you as an amethyst, such sincerity in your soul.  Soar, our daughter, you are our beloved, you are our friend. We love you.

Love,

The Trinity

Winter Season

As I sit here looking out my window, I see a winter wonderland.  We have been getting snow for a couple of days, the kids have a 2 hour delay today, because of the cold.(not the snow.) People are already complaining they can't wait for summer.  I LOVE the snow, I love the pureness of freshly fallen snow, I love when my kids have a 2 hour delay and get to be home a little longer, I love watching them play in it, I love making homemade snow cream, I love how it covers everything in a calm freshness...I LOVE SNOW!!  (yes I hate driving in it, that might be the only negative).  In a season where everything looks dead and brown, snow brings something new and bright. I also love snow because I live in Pennsylvania and it is only with us for a few months and then we have another season to enjoy.  God is an amazing artist and if you stop and take in the beauty that He gives us everyday you will be in awe, there is such detail in each and every thing.

Our lives are a lot like the seasons.  I feel like we are in a season in our life of cold heavy snow, like we are in a  rut that's just dead and not beautiful. We have struggles we are going through that seem so heavy, like inches of the snow on our back.  Wondering if we will ever dig ourselves out. There are a lot of changes we are going through, God is directing us in a direction that seems impossible.  Last summer it seemed as though things had finally started move in a positive direction, then not sure what happened but it has sort of hit a stand still. During the mist of this situation He tells us to pull our kids from the Christian school, and to get our house and rental ready to sell in the spring. Well in the fall I was super excited about all of that. However, now that spring is just around the bend, I am questioning Him. How is the world will all this fall into place? We will more than likely have to rent for a year, ummm but there are 11 of us, we can't just rent an apartment, we won't fit. How long will the houses take to sell? How do we find a place for all of us in the meantime? Just a little transition house, seems simple enough, but is it? I am a planner so all this unknown is  a little stressful for me.

We are in a season that is not warm and full of sunshine, but  my quiet times have been reassuring me to surrender and trust in The One who created it all, He fights our battles and His plan is so much better than we can imagine. The season of snow while, dark, gloomy, cold, and a bit heavy has beauty to it.  It is a time to be still, to rest, and wait, because very shortly the snow will melt, the temperatures will rise, the sun will shine and everything will bloom!  So, as we are blessed with this snow I pray that we can stop and enjoy the quietness, the freshness, and realize this  season will soon pass.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season,

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

It's A Wonderful Life

It's a Wonderful Life....That's my favorite Christmas movie.  It is one that has been hitting home these last few weeks.  I have mentioned to a couple of people in my life, that I want God to show me what life would be like if I were never born.  I have been struggling with whether what we are doing in these kids' life is making a difference, or is just causing me a whole lot of stress here on earth.  There are times where I feel like it is all going well and it is so worth it, then it seems as if I am just a target of all the hurt and pain these kids experience.

The service at our church was simply amazing today.  God spoke to me quite clearly and really gave me some perspective on life.  Here is what really touched me:

The Unmoved Rock

Once upon a time, there was a man who was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Saviour appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might.

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My child, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push.

And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition, you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. I, my child, will now move the rock."

Source unknown  

This hit home so much for me.  It's not about the outcome, its about being obedient, and listening, after that it's all Him!   I am released from anything than what He has directed me to.  I am called to take in hurt kids and to love them unconditionally.   After that its ALL HIM!!!   Praise the Lord, a weight has been lifted.  I can love them, I can give them a home.  I don't have to take on the burden when they make poor choices, I don't have to be responsible for what they do when they leave my house.  God has them after that!   But, also because they are the rock that has been placed before me, I can look at how they changed ME!   I can stop and see how they have helped heal me, helped mold me into a better person.  They are placed in my life to help me as much as I am to help them.  This seems so simple, but it really hit me today.  I pray that maybe it could touch your heart as it did mine!  My rock is not always my kids, it might be my job, it might be my husband, whatever it is I am focused on being obedient, and listening.  The outcome isn't up to me.   

Loneliness

I sit here today, holding back a flood of tears. I sit here alone. The path we have chosen to follow is one full of challenges, full of joy, full of sorrow, and full of solitude.  I have said many times that the more kids we have brought into our lives, the more adults I have watched leave.  It's funny because everyone says how unbelievable they think we are, we are so amazing to open our house to all these kids. They could never do it, how hard they  struggle with just  the (2,3,1 etc) kids they have.  How do we do it?  I always say it is by Gods grace, because I could never do it on my own. What I find amazing, is these people who are so amazed and in awe of everything we do, they never really try to understand.  They don't offer anything beyond a WOW. I know very few people who really want to hear how things are going.  They don't call to check up on you, see if you need anything. Nope nothing. Not a word of encouragement. As I sit here feeling completely overwhelmed with all of the issues these kids bring to me. All of their hurt, their fears, their dreams.  I feel alone. No-one to share my stresses with. No one to give my pain to. No Human that is.  I rejoice in the fact that I have the Creator of the universe to share my struggles with. He understands my pain, my loneliness. I sit here waiting for the kids' bedtime, so that I can cry without holding back. Cry out to the One who never leaves. My Father, my Savior.  I have written my feelings, not so that i get a billion texts, asking what is wrong, or what happened. But maybe so you can send a text or post something encouraging on someones wall that is walking through this life, following Gods will, but maybe needs to know someone is there. That someone cares. That someone is praying for them. It takes but a second, but could have a lasting impact.

I'm BAACK!!!!

Oh my!  So it has been over a year since my last blog.  What a whirlwind life has been!  My sweet little girl is going to be turning one in a week or so.  Like my other babies, she took her sweet time and didn't come until February!   She was 10lbs 2oz.   Let's back up some to fall of 2014.  We had our previous Foster child come back into our home, and of course we were overjoyed!  She is such a sweet girl and fits our family perfectly!   We are going to get legal custody of her very soon, and in all the ways that truly matter, she is our daughter!    Well, November of 2014 the two kids we agreed to in the summer were being placed with another family.  Mom was not doing what she needed to, and I knew I could not be everything they needed.   That was a very hard decision and many tears were shed.  They were the first two kids that we ever sent back.  Our goal with any child that is placed in our home is to be the forever family that every child deserves. I really felt like I was letting these two beautiful kids down.    Within the next week another child that we had prayed for in the summer to be part of our family, was now coming for a respite weekend.  That turned into a couple weekends, and then her aunt decided she wouldn't allow her to come home, so a weekend in December she came to live with us permanently!   We adopted her this past December 2015.  She is 17 and we are so happy that God has blessed us with her!  She has come such a long way in the short time she  has been here.  I know that God has a plan for her because we see him pushing her everyday!   I can't wait to see how that unfolds! December of 2015 God sent back the two little ones that were supposed to be back with mom. They were in two foster homes since last with us, and mom tried having them there and nothing worked out for them.  It was heartbreaking.  They are now in our custody again and our plan is to be their permanent home as long as we can!  They are still quite a bit of work, but we know that the God that sent them here will give us what we need to love them in a way they need!  January of 2016 our Foster daughter(who in a previous blog came in July of 2014) turned 18 and moved in with her grandmother.  It was sad to see her move out, she was such a precious girl.  Her past is of course a hurt one, and she has overcome many obstacles in the year and a half she was here.  My prayer is that she stays focused and continues to choose the good paths!  Okay that is the catch-up of the kids in our house!!!

But wait there's more!  We have our 23 y/o who moved out January 2015 and is doing absolutely amazing!!!  She has her own apartment has a steady job and is really focused on her health.  It fills my heart with such joy to see her doing so well.  Our other daughter who also moved out last January just turned 21 this week!   She too has her own place, steady job and guess what else???? She had a little boy in November of 2015, so we are now NANA and PAPA!!!   The little guy is so precious, and it is so sweet to see her be a parent.   She is doing an amazing job!!  

We have a houseful and we are proud to call it our nuthouse!!!   We still have our business (which I do VERY LITTLE at, but my husband is doing an amazing job at listening to God and using GWC to glorify Him! We are in the process of  "rebranding"  and having a grand reopening this spring.  It is awesome to see how the Lord is pulling everything together!   ( now don't get me wrong I have questioned Him quite a few times, bc HIS timing isn't really working with MY timing, so yes I am learning patience and learning to trust in Him, because many times I have seen that His way is always better.  I just need to realize I need to just get the heck out of His way)      So, anyways that is our lifes update in a nutshell.  Oh, wait there is a little more.  My husband has lost 60lbs and has started running marathons.  He is very dedicated to his new lifestyle and I admire his dedication and obsession, i mean commitment:)   (love ya honey)   And ever since my babies birth, I have had constant back pain that is not going away.   I have tried, PT, trigger point, acupuncture, had x rays, 2 MRI's, catscan, 2 chiropractors, and the most we have found is 3 bulging discs.  The pain has not lessened except recently when I got a new mattress and started decompression therapy, with stim and laser. I would say its maybe 20% better. Could you please pray for healing for my lower back?   I have questioned God about this and why I am in pain when he wants me to parent all these kids. I haven't gotten much of a response back, so I am being still and waiting on His timing with that! I mean what else can I do anyway!! LOL!  

Now, I am done!!   I will try to get back to blogging more than once every year and a half!!

PART 2 SUMMER CHALLENGE FAIL!!!

We are now in the month of July and I have finally accepted that I am going to have a baby, and that our position as foster parents will end soon. :(  (In the state of PA you can have a total of 6 kids to do foster parenting, we already have 5+baby in January) So, unless they gave us a child before I popped, I knew we were done.  That made me sad, I know we could help other kids, setting a limit was completely ridiculous to me. HOWEVER....The Children's Bureau called for us to do a respite for a weekend for a 16 y/o girl. I said sure!   We picked  her up on July 10th, and she didn't want to go back to the foster house she was in, so she stayed with us!   I was so pleased with that!  I love the older kids!   So, we finally filled the last spot!!!    I was still in my first tri, and was nauseous constantly and oh soooooo tired! I barely left my couch.  Which is the reason we never shut our internet and cable off, LOL, I needed something to do all day :/  The teen was such a huge help, she did the dishes every day for me, and I had just caught some respiratory thing and was coughing so hard, ALL day! Oh my did it suck!   So, July 20th(Sunday) comes and My hubby took all the kids up to his parents for a picnic since his brother's family was in town, I stayed home with the 16y/o because I felt so crappy.  Well I took her out for dinner at Eat N Park, (since i hadn't been cooking for a while....) I got a phone call, for an emergency respite, for a 5 and  6 year old boy, could I pick them up in Uniontown?  Of course I said sure...LOL:)   We drove down to Fayette county and met them, it was actually a boy and a girl, they seemed like sweet kids!   We settled them in and waited for the caseworker to come get them.  She came out on weds morning and I asked her what was going on with these kids, bc  we were already at a max with kids.  She looked surprised and said I was hoping they were going to stay here?  I'll have to call someone.  So she calls me an hour later and says we got a waiver on Monday so the kids can stay with you, if you are okay with that?

 OMGOODNESS are you kidding me?  I was so sick, b/w the first tri and this respiratory thing, how could I possibly take on 2 more kids???? We were leaving for vacation in 7 days.  Hubby and I decided we would take them on vacation and then make a decision.  Well, hubby left for vacation with 7 kids and I stayed back to rest, I slept for almost 24 hours, my body was so stinking exhausted. I went down to the vacation home, and pretty much laid around most of the time, I didn't even go out on the boat, it just took to much energy. I left vacation a day early, to get a little more rest before I was on my own with all these kids!

Once  home I called Children's Bureau, and informed them that I was PG, (we hadn't told anyone at this point, I was still in denial) and that I was okay with keeping these two kids, but only until the baby came. I know that I would not be able to give these two the attention (they are sweet kids, but not able to follow directions, focus, get dressed, open things, anything by themselves.  They require ALOT of help physically and mentally!) that they would need once the baby was here. (me without sleep=not a nice mama)
The supervisor informed me that the parents are on track and she saw no reason why they wouldn't be reunited by then, if things continue as they are.  So, we said we would keep them!  

I have a new theme song from OCEANS, to WORN.

WORN  click on that song and listen to it...LOL it so described where I was!!!

The last month of summer was pretty nice, all things considered, I was in my 2nd tri and had some energy back, still had the respiratory thing, and was still coughing nonstop, so bad, that I pulled muscles in my ribs and it hurt to breathe,& move, ah the joys of life....and then school started!!!  I had home-schooled my kids last year, but with the addition of all the  kids, we decided to send our kids to the Christian School they attended previously. It's crazy b/c 3 days a week I have NO KIDS at home!!!  The quiet and the clean floors are just amazing!   Now, after school with all the kids having homework, is a bit chaotic, but so far it's working!

It's now September and we are all getting settled into somewhat of a routine, and then yep Children's bureau calls on the 19th, and says one of our old foster kids is at the shelter, they got us a waiver, could we pick her up tonight?  She is 13 and an absolute doll. So I drive on up and bring her home. We have now gone from 5 kids to 9 (plus baby) in a couple of months...talk about overwhelming!   We bought bunk beds, and rearranged rooms this past weekend, to make room for everyone.

I have been doing my quiet times again and really trying to focus on His will, and what I can do to help these kids He has placed in my home. I haven't been able to attend the tuesday morning bible study I had planned on, but  we are continuing with our small group on Tuesday nights. I really need the connection of seeing others and their faith in God and just being fed by others.  I guess when I prayed for the kids coming into my home I wasn't quite prepared for the answer.  Never would I have imagined it would be 5 more! God can do even what seems impossible. He gives you strength when you thing you have none left!

I am so blessed and completely humbled by the grace and mercy God has given me. With all of my  angry, hurtful thoughts, He never gave up on me, and continued to bless us, even when I didn't think it was right. I am so thankful that He never lets go, and it is that unconditional love that He bestows on me, that I strive to show all the kids that are in my house.   I want them to know that no matter what they do, we will always be here for them, we will give them the same grace, mercy, and love that He gives me even when I don't deserve it.

SOOO, to wrap this up, we are having a sweet baby girl, in January and I am excited about it!  She is moving like crazy and we started buying all the baby items again!  Super cute! If I could just skip the labor part...that would make it great!  LOL!   We have foster kids, that I am loving and enjoying (most days:) So I am ready to go "Deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"  OCEANS (click for song)  a lot of days I am treading water, and my face is just above the waves, but  my soul is resting in HIM and and and blessed to be called His friend!

SUMMER CHALLENGE, FAIL.....PART 1

I had given myself a summer challenge of staying off of FB, because we have turned off our internet, cable and phone for the past three summers.  Welll that didn't work out as planned and I am going to tell you why, but we have to go back a few months....LOL!   Over the past couple of years, I have really been focusing on my quiet time and my personal relationship with God.  It has been an amazing journey, and one that just keeps on getting better!  So back to spring time,  I had finally gotten to the point of completely surrendering my life to Him.  I was willing to do what He had planned for me, I am a chiropractor, but I barely work because I feel He has called me to be Mother above all else.  For those that know me know we have 3 biological kids, have adopted 2 kids and have been involved in Foster Care for years. My husband and I both have a heart for helping hurt children. Well after having 3 bio kids, as many of you know, I am not one for little babies, sure they are cute, but oh my so needy.  So after having a 1.5/yo foster kid for respite, after 6 days, I couldn't handle it anymore and asked him to go home early....then we got a 3 month old...that lasted 4 days....I just didn't want the constant neediness of smaller children.  It made me realize I wanted to foster kids, that were older and that I did not want anymore babies!!!  Well there is a song called Oceans, I have listened to this song MANY times and meditated on it.  I felt I was at such a point where I wanted to do God's will above ALL else, and I was willing to go deeper than I could imagine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw   Listen to the song, it truly is amazing!

Well we were going to Disney on May 17, and couldn't have been more excited to spend that time as a family! May 14 I took a pregnancy test and got a big fat POSITIVE, I threw the stick at my husband just as he was waking up, and with tears streaming down my face, I said we have a problem.  He of course was in shock and ecstatic about it!  I feel awful for saying this (but during my PG I suffer from severe depression, from hormones and stuff) but I seriously think I cried for days, I absolutely felt like my life was over.  I had just gotten to the point of NO diapers, all my kids were going to be school aged.  And I was absolutely sure God wanted be to be a foster parent to older kids, and to help them.  I was so sad, and so angry.  Then on top of that I was mad at myself bc, I know what a precious gift a baby is, we had a hard time getting PG with our first, how could I be so mad at another baby.  I had convinced myself this definitely was NOT in my plans, let alone God's.  I stopped my quiet times, and stopped going to church.

Fast Forward about two months, I had started medication for the depression, and the daily tears finally subsided. I ventured to church one morning, during worship God started speaking to me, saying "How can you be so mad that I have blessed your womb and entrusted you to raise this child for me?"  Well I told Him to shut up, and I stopped listening.  (Hey, I am just being honest here...) I continued to stay away from anytime with Him.  I was talking with my cousin one day about being upset, and she said to me, last time we talked you were praying that God would bring you the right kids into your family, why are you mad that He answered that prayer???  UMMMM, I wasn't praying for a baby, I was praying for older kids....DUH....
Well, that conversation, never left me, and I finally realized how selfish I was being, and how I was so not following God's will in my life!

I went back to that song and really, a baby is going to take me deeper, simply bc this little life will challenge me in so many ways.  I was given the job of raising this sweet soul for His will, and I repented and re-surrendered my will to HIS will.  It made me realize that I thought I was finally at such a great place of being willing to do whatever God called me to do, only to realize, that was only if it was what I wanted!  So, I had not truly surrendered.  A little taste of humility for me:)    I will write part 2 of my summer challenge, later today, it is so amazing to see God work......

Updates

A whole month of summer is already gone!  Where does the time go? Anyways, we have finally had our home school evaluations, C's test results came in and we turned in our portfolios, with three days to spare!!!  I have always been a  bit of a procrastinator, I am hoping my kids don't inherit that from me ;p  I did turn in the affidavit to HS our oldest for next year, so I feel ahead there!   Our youngest four will be going to a  private christian school next year.  I hope they all enjoy it.  I was a little overwhelmed  with HSing them all, but I am hopeful that when they are older we will homeschool again.  

We have been to WDW already this year, and the kids have been to a VBS, the littles have been to a  mini camp.  The two oldest will be going to camp for a full week in July.  It will be C's first time away for that long, I am  a little bit nervous but i think he will have the time of his life!  B will only go for 2 nights this year, and then next year join his older brother for a full week.   We have a week vacation to the lake in August, it is always our last big thing before school starts.

We have been trying to get F&E's little brother for almost three years now.  He was placed in a foster home in Ohio right after his birth.  Well we were told this week, they have decided to let the foster family keep him. I was so sad, and I know F was as well.  It's hard because we have been trying to be his family for three years, but the stupid system took so long to even get to this point.  Praying for the sweet boy and his forever family.  SOOOO, that means we still have an open spot, wondering if it will get filled or if God is letting us know that we our family is complete.  The waiting is hard.

HAPPY SUMMER EVERYONE!

Walt Disney World

Summer is finally here!   We are back from Walt Disney World, and it was a lot of fun!  We did two parks, AK, and MK.  The kids all had a blast the weather was great and everyone got along!!   We then went on a 3 night Disney Cruise, which was just as fun and relaxing.  Hit the beach at Disney's Castaway Cay island, the kids loved it....me not so much...LOL!  I think my favorite part was having the little girls do the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, they were soooo excited!!!

There are some changes that are going on in our lives, we had a certain plans for the next few years , and it seems as if God has other ideas for us.  I am not ready to talk about what is going on, but if you could please pray, i would much appreciate it.  I am struggling with accepting things are not how I thought they were going to be.  I know Gods' way is better, but I admit I have some control issues, and am not wanting to give that up. Sigh....Can you please pray for our kids, the ones we have and the ones that may be coming?  There is so much hurt out there, breaks my heart what these sweet souls have to go through in this world.   

My Summer Challenge!

So once again it has been a long time since my last post...LOL I really would LOVE to get on here more, but time doesn't seem to allow it.  So let's catch up!  HEALTH: My heath is doing soooo much better!  I avoided so many foods for such a long time, and I do feel better about it. Through the summer my goal is to lose my last 10lbs :) woohoo!

KIDS:  We are sort of in a limbo around here.  Our 13 year old went  home to her bio family and it has been going great!  She is the first child we have ever had that has gone back to her bio home. It was exciting to see the family reunited!   Hoping it was a learning experience for everyone involved, she is an amazing girl!  So as of today we only have in our home.  However, we should know about F&E's little brother within the next month.  We have been praying hard for him. He is almost 3 at this point, and if  we don't get him my heart will break, I have been waiting for 3 years for this little boy!   Also, there is a possibility of a 15 year old  to come our way. That is very unsure right now, but we have been praying for her as well.  Love, these kids.

SCHOOL:  Well we have just about finished our first year of homeschooling.  The homeschool learning center LMCA, that we participated in was AMAZING!  The teachers were fabulous and the kids made friends there, that I hope will be friends for many years.  It is a close knit community and was such a blessing to us.  As far as next year, our oldest is the only one returning, the 2 boys will be going to a private school.  As much as I loved having all my kids home, it was to much for me. The individual attention I felt they each needed, was more than I could divide up. It left little time for my 4 year olds. I am hoping next year I can spend more one on one quality time with them, before they are in school for real!  I spent alot of time telling them to find something to do as I was teaching the bigger kids.  I hope the way we have it set up for next year is positive for all my kids. This time is going my way to  fast!

Here is a link to LMCA!
LMCA


So for those of you that don't know, every summer for the past 3 years we shut off our home phone, cable and internet service. It works out well bc all the shows my hubby and I watch are over, and the kids don't need to watch t.v., LOL, they need to be outside.  SOOOOO this year will be no different, however I recently watched a video on FB.  I do have a smart phone, so I am still connected to the internet.  It convicted  me to get off of FB for the summer.  The video was really 100% true in my eyes.  We need to put down the electronics and TALK!!!!  I have decided I am going to get off of FB for the whole summer!  (and then we will see what happens) If you wish to keep in touch with me, I think somehow you can follow this blog.  I will try and blog more in the summer....really I will....LOL well I will need somewhere to post pics of my beautiful kids!    BLESSINGS to you all!!!


MY SUMMER CHALLENGE!! READ THIS!!!!

How many kids do you have???

We get asked this question alot!  The funny thing is I never know what to say.  We have biological children, we have adopted children, we have kids we have fostered, that were never adopted, we now have a foster child, we have a friend of one of our older foster kids who lives with us and we are fighting to adopt a brother of the two girls we adopted.  So, how many kids is that????

I know I personally consider anyone who has been placed in my home, and is searching for parents to show them unconditional love, are my kids. So, I might not have the legal papers, they might not call me mom, b/c it is to hard for them, but they are my kids, the ones that God has given to me to love.  These older kids who have been hurt and abused, they have a REALLY hard time trusting, and I can't tell you how many times I have been sworn at, deleted/blocked from facebook, all because they are not ready to be loved, they feel unworthy of it. So heartbreaking! I just sit and I pray for God to protect them and guide them. And I depend on Him to help my hurting heart as I sit and watch these precious kids, make bad choices, go down the wrong path, and do things that are even more hurtful to their lives.  I sit. I sit and I wait.  Praying and hoping that they will return, and that maybe this time they will be ready to accept the love, the love they so desperately need. I have shed A LOT of tears over these kids. My heart hurts for them.  But I sit and wait for them to come home. So that I can love on them some more. So they know someone is in their corner, someone thinks they are worth it!   If you could, maybe add my kids to  your prayer list. I would appreciate it!  

So how many kids do I have? right now I have 9, and one that we are fighting for. I love them all even when they are not here, even when they shut me out of their lives and even when they say they say they are done.  This is what my Abba, my heavenly father does to me. He loves me even in spite of my faults, and that is what I want to model to my kids.  This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15;22  To Him be the Glory!

My Journey to Wellness

It all seemed to have started after the birth of my last child.  When I was pregnant with her, I was clinically depressed.  I got to the point where I stopped preparing meals for my 3 and 2 year old, they were getting cereal for dinner most nights.  My husband would come home from work, and I would basically ignore him.  I remember telling him on numerous occasions "I have nothing left for you", it was so bad I wouldn't even speak to him! I just wanted to sit in my spot on the couch and be left alone.  It was one of the worst times of my life.  

When I saw how much it was starting to affect the ability for me to care for my kids, I went to see my Dr.(I was almost in my second tri) and she put me on Zoloft, (1/2  pill).  Yes I know you shouldn't be on antidepressants while pregnant, but I did the research on it and decided, it was better for my toddlers fif I were able to take care of them and for the unborn baby to not have a mother that was crying all the time!   This was extremely hard for me, I don't even take medication for something as simple as a headache, however I did it. It took about 1-2 weeks and the change in me was drastic.  I was able to function and enjoy my kids and my pregnancy!!  I only told one person I was on zoloft, and that was my older sister.  I was embarassed because I had to take meds, I was able to pretty much hide it from everyone outside of my husband and kids. Then once on the pills I didn't have to hide my depression anymore!  When I was pregnant with F, I craved Orange Crush, Taco bell Gorditas, and fudge pop tarts...weird but some of my favorite foods growing up, I had them all weekly, which I was eating pretty healthy for the past few years so it was not normal for me too eat so crappy. 

After F was born, she was breastfed exclusively, however her babyweight didn't come off, in fact I started gaining weight.  I went to the Dr's and she of course ran some blood tests, and everything came back normal.  I stayed at this high weight for years actually.  I had myself tested by www.enterolab.com and tested postive for gluten sensitivity...BLAH!!  So, I tried Weight Watchers, (while avoiding gluten) it didn't work. (I actually tried it 3 different times in the past 3 years)  I tried atkins diet, didn't work.  My friend told me about an HCG diet, I tried it and lost around 18lbs!  I was ecstatic.  However it didn't stay off, I slowly started gaining it back in 2-3 lb intervals.  SIGH.   I then tried it again like a year later and lost 10lbs.  Once again it slowly crept back on. UGH!   So, for the third time I did the HCG diet, and lost 18 lbs again!  I kept 12 of it off for the summer, then yep it has slowly started creeping back on.  This is where I am currently. Not only does my weight stay on, but my energy level was decreasing dramatically.  I started homeschooling this year, so I just attributed it to that. But, it started to get so bad, I was crying at the thought of getting out of bed in the mornings.  I was 100% convinced my adrenal glands were depleted and running on empty.  

I started studying to be a gluten free practitioner at www.thedr.com which intorduced me to www.cyrexlabs.com , a lab that tested for other foods that can be cross reactive to gluten.   Then I got an email from a colleague who had some sort of comprehensive blood work panel, I emailed him immediately. I am always amazed at how God continually guides me, when I feel I am most lost.  I ran the comprehensive blood panel and then I had my blood tested for the gluten cross reactive foods.  Six tubes of blood later, I just waited....and waited... LOL it felt like forever but within 2 weeks I  had two of the labs back.  I FINALLY had answers!!!

Here are the first results I got:

Hard to see on this picture, but you want green, anything going to the left is "low" and to the right is "high".

Basically the gist of the bloodwork said, I am iron defiecient, low on vitamin D, slightly high insulin.  Those were the "biggies". Yup no adrenal issues at all! I was floored.  With every pregnancy the midwives(yes i delivered in a birth center, that offered NO epidurals, because really I don't like medication of any kind...lol) made fun of me b/c I had the iron levels of a man!!!  I would have NEVER even thought of iron levels. 

Well with these results, it was clear to me I am on my way to Celiac Disease.  I have the genes for CD and gluten sensitivity, my labs from enterolabs, confirmed that.  One of the first things that start going haywire in CD is malnutrition, which leads to Iron deficiency, and vitamin D is the rubber bands, that help control intestinal permeability. I couldn't wait to get my foods result back.   

Here it is:

The left hand column are foods that your body is okay with, the right hand column are the foods your body is reacting to in an inflammatry way, b/c they are mimicking my gluten allergy. the middle are on the border of being high, so if you eat them alot they will be moving to the right column. YUP, so I can eat buckwheat, soy, and potatoes. I have to avoid dairy of all kinds, grains of all kinds, rice, coffe yeast, eggs(in the middle) oats, sesame, quinoa, my body doesn't like ANY of it.  No wonder my body felt great on the HCG diet, it was void of all my allergens. So, I am starting the HCG diet again, to detox my body of all this crap.  I have purchased supplements to help heal my gut and get me back to feeling 100%.  This has been an exhausting road, and I am excited to have answers, I am just praying I have the will power to not eat all the foods that I love, because they are slowly killing me. If anyone has any questions or has experienced anything like this, message me!!! 

Enjoy them while they are little....

So today I took my two youngest to Idlewild.  (It is an amusement park)  It was the first time they have REALLY been there.  I used to  have yearly passes and take my boys ALL the time.  The little ones seem to miss out here, b/c we do more things that the big kids can enjoy.  It was the perfect weather, mid 70's partly cloudy, the first steeler game of the year, so NO CROWDS!!!!!

The girls were able to enjoy Storybook forest, and they know most of the stories so they were so excited to see the houses where everyone lived.

They rode all the rides in the kiddie land area, and insisted on waiting 30 mins for Mr. Rogers neighborhood, so the could see Daniel Tiger!  It was an amazing day, they really enjoyed it!  There was no complaining, no arguing for 5 hours!   They played the fishing game and each won a souvenir, had some ice cream, and then they rode 3 rides in the "big" kid area.  The Ferris Wheel,(which was F's favorite ride of the day) the loggin taboggin, (E's favorite ride, except when her tummy came up, that was scary)  and the balloon ride.  We also played in the balls 4 times in a row:)

I am so happy we got to spend the day together!   Can't wait to hear how the three older ones enjoyed their day with Dad on the boat!  It is probably the last boating day of the year.  

If I knew alot about blogging I could get this music to play while you are reading...however here is my theme song for the day!  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb1kyOeFHLk

Start of the Homeschool Journey

We have made it through two weeks of homeschooling!!!   Well we are HS part time....I have the three big kids (6th,3rd,1st) going to a co-op, it meets Mondays and Wednesdays from 9-2.  They are learning History, Science, Literature, and Math Enrichment. I think it is the perfect option for us, they have "homework" in those classes, but I don't have to "teach" them!  They also are getting alot of crafty fun things there, that I am not so good at doing.  They have made models of the earth, swords, cookie dough sculptures of Rome...all in 2 weeks!  The co-op is called Laurel Mountain Classical Academy for any of you local folks that might wanna check it out.  I am only having to teach Math, Grammar/Spelling, and Bible.

Here is our "schedule"
Mondays~ Co-op 9-2
Tuesdays ~ School 9-12
Wednesdays~ Co-op 9-2
Thursdays~ School 9-12
Friday~School~finish up whatever is left:)

The little girls are in preschool from 9-12 M,W,F's.  I intentionally looked for a PS three days a week, so I would have a little time to myself every week (9-10 M&W's then from 10:15 to 11:45 I have reserved for patients at the office), and then fridays I would have time to focus on the big kids' work. So thursdays might be our "slack" day, since Fridays will be free of the little ones.    There is quite a bit of running around involved for me, but I am enjoying having them home.  

Here is our evenings:
Mondays~E&F dance 3:45-430  (office hours 430-530)C~will have guitar lessons, and then eventually have Cadets from 6:00-800 F has practice for a musical 630-800  B will have drum lessons.
Tuesdays~home all night:)
Weds~church from 5-8ish(office hours 3-430)
Thursdays~C&B have soccer from 600-700
Fridays~Movie nights:)
Saturdays will be soccer games
Sundays are church and family day!

Thankful that dance and soccer are only like 6-8weeks. So some of the busyness will eventually fizzle!

OUR HOMESCHOOL ROOM!!

B,C,F first day of co-op!

E&F first day of preschool!