I had given myself a summer challenge of staying off of FB, because we have turned off our internet, cable and phone for the past three summers. Welll that didn't work out as planned and I am going to tell you why, but we have to go back a few months....LOL! Over the past couple of years, I have really been focusing on my quiet time and my personal relationship with God. It has been an amazing journey, and one that just keeps on getting better! So back to spring time, I had finally gotten to the point of completely surrendering my life to Him. I was willing to do what He had planned for me, I am a chiropractor, but I barely work because I feel He has called me to be Mother above all else. For those that know me know we have 3 biological kids, have adopted 2 kids and have been involved in Foster Care for years. My husband and I both have a heart for helping hurt children. Well after having 3 bio kids, as many of you know, I am not one for little babies, sure they are cute, but oh my so needy. So after having a 1.5/yo foster kid for respite, after 6 days, I couldn't handle it anymore and asked him to go home early....then we got a 3 month old...that lasted 4 days....I just didn't want the constant neediness of smaller children. It made me realize I wanted to foster kids, that were older and that I did not want anymore babies!!! Well there is a song called Oceans, I have listened to this song MANY times and meditated on it. I felt I was at such a point where I wanted to do God's will above ALL else, and I was willing to go deeper than I could imagine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw Listen to the song, it truly is amazing!
Well we were going to Disney on May 17, and couldn't have been more excited to spend that time as a family! May 14 I took a pregnancy test and got a big fat POSITIVE, I threw the stick at my husband just as he was waking up, and with tears streaming down my face, I said we have a problem. He of course was in shock and ecstatic about it! I feel awful for saying this (but during my PG I suffer from severe depression, from hormones and stuff) but I seriously think I cried for days, I absolutely felt like my life was over. I had just gotten to the point of NO diapers, all my kids were going to be school aged. And I was absolutely sure God wanted be to be a foster parent to older kids, and to help them. I was so sad, and so angry. Then on top of that I was mad at myself bc, I know what a precious gift a baby is, we had a hard time getting PG with our first, how could I be so mad at another baby. I had convinced myself this definitely was NOT in my plans, let alone God's. I stopped my quiet times, and stopped going to church.
Fast Forward about two months, I had started medication for the depression, and the daily tears finally subsided. I ventured to church one morning, during worship God started speaking to me, saying "How can you be so mad that I have blessed your womb and entrusted you to raise this child for me?" Well I told Him to shut up, and I stopped listening. (Hey, I am just being honest here...) I continued to stay away from anytime with Him. I was talking with my cousin one day about being upset, and she said to me, last time we talked you were praying that God would bring you the right kids into your family, why are you mad that He answered that prayer??? UMMMM, I wasn't praying for a baby, I was praying for older kids....DUH....
Well, that conversation, never left me, and I finally realized how selfish I was being, and how I was so not following God's will in my life!
I went back to that song and really, a baby is going to take me deeper, simply bc this little life will challenge me in so many ways. I was given the job of raising this sweet soul for His will, and I repented and re-surrendered my will to HIS will. It made me realize that I thought I was finally at such a great place of being willing to do whatever God called me to do, only to realize, that was only if it was what I wanted! So, I had not truly surrendered. A little taste of humility for me:) I will write part 2 of my summer challenge, later today, it is so amazing to see God work......
No comments:
Post a Comment